WHEN YOUR CHILD DIES
When a child dies, parents mourn and begin
the long process of bereavement. Those who have had a child die often
immediately experience shock, numbness, denial, and disbelief, all of
which act as a cushion against the full impact of the loss. As time passes
and these emotions wear off, others emerge, often including guilt, anger,
loneliness, despair, sadness, and regret. These feelings are all part of
the emotional reaction called "grief" and may be so overwhelming that
parents often do not understand what they are experiencing.
Parents will approach this emotional
process in different ways. Some express their grief easily and openly,
while others keep their feelings locked inside. While there is no "right"
way in which to grieve, many bereaved parents have found it helpful to
have some guidance along the way. The following information has been
prepared by parents who have, themselves, experienced the death of a
child.
Emotional Aspects of Grief
Grief, with its many peaks and valleys,
lasts far longer than society in general recognizes. When your child dies,
grief is not over in a week, a month, or even a year. Expectations others
may have of you should not be a guideline for your own progress. Be
patient with yourself. You've been through a lot.
Because each person's grief is different,
don't expect that you and your spouse will travel this journey at the same
speed or in the same way. Be tolerant of the different approaches your
spouse and other family members may take.
Some of the common emotions experienced by
bereaved parents:
- Guilt, real or imagined, is normal. The
feeling that if only something had been different, the child might have
lived, is common. By learning to express and share this feeling with
other bereaved parents, eventually you may forgive yourself,
understanding that no one can foresee the future.
- Despair and loneliness are common. Even
when you are with a group of people, you may feel alone. Few people can
understand how deeply a bereaved parent hurts unless they have been
there.
- Anger often emerges, sometimes aimed at
a person imagined to have caused the death, at others who cannot
understand your feelings, at God, even at the very child who died.
- A wish to join the child who died is
natural.
Physical Aspects of Grief
The emotional loss of grief often manifests itself in physical ways.
Parents may sleep for only a few hours, if at all, each night. Feeling
tired, walking in a fog, long- and short-term memory loss, and an
inability to concentrate are not uncommon. Sleep deprivation and the
extreme stress of the situation often lead to the feeling that you are
"losing it," but this is a normal psychological reaction.
At this time, a balanced diet, rest, and
moderate exercise are especially important. Crying also has been proven to
have a healing effect, and should not be stifled because of societal
views.
It is especially important to avoid the use
of drugs and alcohol in hopes of making the pain go away. Prescription
medication should be taken sparingly and only under the supervision of a
physician. Many substances are addictive and may lead to a chemical
dependence that stops or delays the necessary grieving process.
Making Decisions
When a child has died, parents are often faced with decisions
affecting the future. Changing jobs or moving away are two major decisions
that oftentimes face bereaved parents who falsely believe that "if we do
this, we will feel better." Hold off on major decisions until the time is
right. When you move, you may lose the very support system that you need
the most.
Do not be rushed or forced into doing
things by others who may be well-meaning but misinformed. Cleaning out a
child's room and belongings is very personal. Some find it a natural part
of the bereavement process that helps in coping with the loss. Smelling a
child's clothes, for instance, can bring a feeling of nearness. Others may
find it impossible to tackle this job. If that is the case, ask for help,
but only if you are certain you need it.
Keeping the Family Together
All too many professionals believe divorce is almost a certainty
after a child has died. The reality is that unless a marriage already has
problems, the death of a child is more likely to foster a stronger bond
than existed before as husband and wife reach out to each other for
support in this shared experience. But it still takes work and the
understanding that everyone grieves differently.
Surviving siblings are often referred to as
the "forgotten mourners" because so much attention is placed on the
parents. Make certain your surviving children understand this is a shared
family experience, and try to include them in all family plans and
decisions. Siblings should never be made to feel less important because
parents are concentrating so much on the child who died. Frank and open
communication is the key to keeping the family together. Assure surviving
children that you recognize they are grieving, too, and that you love them
just as much as the child who died. Appropriate grieving on your part will
act as a guide for them and confirm their own feelings.
How Can I Face the Future?
Parents may feel they have nothing to live for and thus think about a
release from the intense pain. Many parents do feel this way, but be
assured that a sense of purpose and meaning does return. The pain does
lessen.
Support is necessary to work through this
time while you are finding the new "you" and while the family dynamics
change. Let others cook the meals, take the children to school, help
around the house. Give yourself space to do the hard work of grieving.
Reexamining priorities and even questioning
belief structures is not abnormal. See what you can do about arranging
additional time off from work. Plan ahead how you will handle special days
such as anniversary dates and holidays. Often the day is easier than the
dread that often leads up to it.
While professional help may be needed, many
parents do turn to The Compassionate Friends for support, finding hope and
comfort through sharing their story with others, and being able to speak
the child's name without fear of others turning away when the tears do
come. Sharing eases loneliness and allows expression of grief in an
atmosphere of acceptance and understanding.
Every parent will have to find his or her
own road through grief. But you will survive
You Need Not Walk Alone.
